Does the thought of the family gathering for the holidays fill you with excitement and anticipation? Or anxiety & dread? If we are honest, probably a little of both. But if you are like me, then you want the anticipation of all the extra people to far outweigh the moments of anti-social anxious tendencies.
I have been an introvert most of my life. I say “most” because many of my introvert characteristics have really faded into the background over the last few years, and there’s more extrovert tendencies rattling around in my brain nowadays. Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, then join ‘em, right? Ok, so maybe I won’t go that far. I still don’t fully identify as an extrovert, but I definitely think I’m heading towards being more balanced…using the strengths of both the introverts and extroverts.
After 17 years of hosting large family gatherings during the holidays, there’s a few tips this born wallflower has learned along the way. Most of my tips were learned the hard way—through trial & error, so I’d love nothing more than to spare you some of those nerve-racking mistakes.
Believe it or not, there IS a way to enjoy the spike in chaos, still like your family after they leave, and stay sane during what can be the most wonderful time (or difficult time…..your choice) of the year!
Plan out the meal schedule in advance—the farther ahead you plan, the better. I save my menus from year to year on my computer, so that I can simply tweak them for the current year. If there is any way you can reduce your mental workload during the holidays, then do so! You only have so much mental real estate in your brain at any given time, so use it wisely by planning ahead where you can. (See pdf file below of what our Thanksgiving meal plan looks like).
Create a “cleaning crew”. I know, this sounds a little TOO organized, but this is one of the best plans we implemented to keep me from being overwhelmed as the host. Lots of people means lots of food which means lots of dishes! You will hit a brick wall if you try to keep up with the workload all on your own. Remember the cute chore charts our moms made for us (or we make for our kids) that hung on the frig? It was so we knew what our responsibilities were and could do them without being told. Otherwise, it would all fall to mom, right? So hence my development of the teen/adult version of a chore chart. I assign each person to a crew (in our case, we have 4 crews), and then tell them what meal they are responsible for cleaning up. That not only gives me a bit of a break, but it also keeps me from having to feel like the Kitchen Drill Sergeant. The first meal we have together after everyone’s arrival is usually where we go over chore chart, crew assignments, and general info. We keep it humorous and light-hearted. Thomas (my husband) is usually in charge of this, and always makes it fun by coming up with names for everything. One of the kitchen crews is called the “Kitchen Kuties”, the other is called the “Pantry Pretties”, and the trash crew is called the “Helpful Hunters”. We’ve found that everyone gets into the team mode, and we even have a little friendly competition going on for the team that does their job the best and fastest. A lot like church youth camp! (See pdf file below of our clean up crews).
Communicate the plan to the family members planning to attend. The more communication you have on the front side, the less miscommunication you have during the event. Ask for input, such as whether they have a particular dish they like to make, or if they mind bringing paper goods. Including people in some of the minor decisions fosters teamwork, which in turns builds those relationships that we really want.
If any food item can be made in advance, do so. For Thanksgiving, I always make a certain kind of raspberry/cranberry sauce that our whole family loves. This is easily made in advance and is just one more thing I can remove from my list. Make and freeze whatever you can. If any cleaning can be done in advance, do that as well (such as dusting). But don’t do any cleaning that will have to be re-done, like bathrooms, changing sheets, cleaning the kitchen, etc. Make sure you stay tuned for an upcoming blog post on “Don’t Clean Your House Before Company Comes (or at least not THAT clean)”. I think you’ll find it will be encouraging to you!
Decide on sleeping arrangements (if you have overnight guests). Make this decision unilateral, which means—do what is best for the majority of the household. You will always have 1 or 2 guests that want special accommodations…like their own room, their own bathroom, etc. Make concessions where you can but do what is best for the most. Another VERY important tip to remember, and one that might help you in the mental stability department more than others, is: Keep your own bedroom. Do not give up your room for other family members, even if that means the others are sleeping on pallets in the living room. There’s nothing wrong with occasionally letting someone use your bathroom (especially if you have only one other bathroom and multiple guests) but be very careful about giving up your personal space. When you are the host, having a place where you can enjoy a few minutes of quiet, get good rest, and take a shower when you want is vital to being able to handle the workload of houseguests.
Pray. This tip is one that will make all the difference in the world. When we have family/friends visiting our homes, we want them to feel welcome. We want to enjoy their company, and for them to enjoy ours. We don’t want to feel stressed by all the preparations, exhausted from all the cooking, and overwhelmed by a lot of social interaction. There’s an answer to this dilemma: Talk to God. Ask Him for extra strength, flexibility and patience. Find several things per day to be thankful for, especially when you feel like you are mentally complaining.
And finally–let go. Let go of expectations, the need to be in control, and trying to please everyone. Let your “go-to” verse be 1 Thess 5:17, “Rejoice always. Pray continually. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” The battle is truly fought in the mind. When your attitude is in the right place, you’d be amazed at how much easier things become.
Rejoice always. Pray continually. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Enjoy the moments….all of them. Realize that you aren’t just making a meal, you are making memories. You aren’t just hosting people; you are cultivating traditions. You aren’t just socializing, you are encouraging and inspiring those around you. And realize God loves families, He loves His children hanging out with each other, and He loves us celebrating His goodness to us (Thanksgiving) and His Son’s birth (Christmas). Let that sink in and see if it doesn’t cause some of the stress/fatigue to just fade into the background!
There’s probably a few more tips I could add here, but I wanted this to be short enough for you to read quickly and be able to implement right away. If it is helpful, encouraging, and inspirational, let me know and we’ll put a Part 2 on the calendar to write! Being hospitable is not about having it all together, it’s not about having a clean house, nor is it about making culinary delights. It’s all about relationships….the one you have with Jesus, and the ones you have with your friends, family and sometimes complete strangers. Meals & holidays are great times to foster and encourage these!
