Don’t Clean Your House Before Company Comes (or at least not THAT clean)

What do we tend to do when we know someone is coming over for a visit? And I don’t mean your mom or your sister. I’m talking about real company—like acquaintances, friends, business contacts, new in-laws, that sort of thing. Don’t you frantically start cleaning everything? I used to….still am tempted to do that even to this day. I was the grumpy, crabby mom who yelled at the kids to pick up this, throw away that, and how can this house be such a mess?

Just the simple fact of having to clean your house can be a huge deterrent to even inviting people over. Now be honest—how many times have you not invited someone over because you simply didn’t want to spend the day cleaning the house? It seems more than a bit overwhelming to rally the kids to help you clean more than just the daily tidy-up.  Even the daily tidy-up is a huge challenge if you have multiple children like we do.

When you do invite guests over, and spend the day cleaning, it never seems good enough. And here’s the worst part: When you are a guest at someone else’s house, and everything looks perfect (no dust, no clutter, no dishes in the kitchen sink, everything perfectly decorated), you have a major guilt attack. So then the vicious cycle continues…you don’t invite people over because your house is a mess or simply isn’t decorated cute, and here we go again.

I know what I’m about to tell you goes against everything your momma taught you, but hear me out. I have done it both ways: Deep clean everything before guests arrive, or “touch up” things before guests arrive. The first method was how I rolled for many years, until an incident happened that changed not only my perspective, but how I prepared for guests from that time forward. So grab a cup of coffee, and settle in for a very interesting story:

My husband and I are youth leaders in our local church, and we frequently help out with all types of youth events.  One hot, July day in summer several years ago, our youth pastor had planned a youth swim party at Melissa’s house. Melissa was the mom of 2 of our youth group kids, and had offered her pool as summer activity option.  When we arrived, she said we all could use the bathrooms/bedrooms to change into swimsuits. As I was waiting my turn for a bathroom, I found myself longingly admiring her home. The kitchen was spotless, and the living room was decorated like she had just won a makeover with Chip & Joanna. There was no dust anywhere, pictures were perfectly hanging on the wall, and everything was in impeccable order.

(Not a photo of her actual living room. Just an example of how everything seemed to be perfectly cleaned & organized)

The more I admired her amazingly clean house, the more discouraged I became. What was wrong with me? Why could I not keep my house like this? Did she have a daily maid? Did she spend 3 days cleaning like mad? With 4 children, there’s no way I could spend 3 days cleaning…it would be undone in 3 minutes!

As I was continuing my mental downward spiral into self-pity & guilt, my husband Thomas came up to me and said, “Come here, quick, I need to show you something.” I explained I was waiting on a bathroom so that I could change into my swimsuit and didn’t want to lose my place in line. He said, “Come with me. You will REALLY want to see this.” Okay, so my curiosity was piqued, and I agreed.

He said that he couldn’t find an open room to change into his swimsuit, so he thought he’d just use the laundry room. He brought me to the laundry room door and said when he opened it, he knew he had to show me. Now I am VERY curious. So he opened this mysterious door, and guess what I saw???

(Not an actual photo of my friend’s laundry room. We weren’t as camera-happy back then, so I didn’t get a real shot. And this is a little messier, but gives you an example of what I thought I saw when I walked in.)

THE ENTIRE LAUNDRY ROOM FLOOR WAS COVERED IN DIRTY LAUNDRY…and it was about a foot high. It even looked like all the clutter from the rest of the house was thrown into the laundry room, too. It was obviously assumed that no guest would attempt to go in there, so the mess would be out of sight, out of mind. At least that’s what we have all told ourselves at one point or another, right?

My spirit immediately soared. I was not alone! She was just like me. Melissa wasn’t perfect, she was normal. She didn’t let a messy house stop her from having a huge crowd over, she just threw everything into the laundry room and shut the door. People were more important to her than clean houses. I went from spiraling discouragement to soaring encouragement and learned a very valuable lesson from my friend that day that has stuck with me for 7 years now.

Here’s what I learned:

  • Tidy up when you know you have visitors coming, but don’t major clean just for that. Make sure bathrooms are clean, and that the kitchen is mostly clean. That’s good enough. If you have more time, then great. Think “sanitize”, not clutter-free and spotless.

  • If you don’t know a guest is coming, and don’t have time to tidy up, DO NOT STRESS about it. Their house probably looks just like yours. Welcome them into the mess, without apology, and know that being real is far better than everyone thinking you have an Instagram-worthy house.
  • When a guest sees dust on your shelves sometimes, a few dishes in the sink, and laundry that isn’t caught up, understand that you might be giving them the most hope and encouragement they’ve had in awhile. If your house looks perfect, is that really how you live every day when no one is around? Of course not, so why do we pretend? Why do we want everyone to think this is how it looks all the time?

  • Attitude is everything. If you are happy to see guests, and enjoy their company, rarely will anyone notice how clean your house is. They truly don’t care. Unless it’s a complete pigsty, they are more concerned about feeling at home than admiring your perfect house. (While we are on the subject of pigsty, realize that we all have seasons where we feel like we are living in a barn with farm animals rather than in a house with people.) This is especially noticeable with young children….when they create messes far faster than you have the time to clean them up! Give yourself some grace and realize it’s just a season.

  • If you want youth, college students, and young adults to enjoy hanging out at your home, then forget perfection entirely. Don’t try to copy Martha Stewart, Magnolia, or any other influencer out there whose house seems to always be perfect. Welcome young people whether you knew they were coming or not. Feed them if they are hungry. Don’t be concerned with them eating on the couch. Don’t feel like you have to extra clean when they come over. I promise you, no matter how modest, dated, or old your home is, you will become the most popular regional hub for that age group if you genuinely enjoy their company and you don’t worry about how your house looks. Remember Jesus’ words, “For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger and you invited me into your home…” Matt 25:35

For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger and you invited me into your home.

Matthew 25:35

So I’ve totally revamped how I clean my home when visitors come. And because my perspective has changed, my stress level is at its lowest it’s been in years when company comes over. I clean what I have time for, and I don’t worry about what I didn’t get to. Even if I have extra time to deep clean, I purposely leave a few things alone….to encourage that mom who compares her house to other’s perfect Instagram homes. I want moms to walk away from my home feeling like I did when I left Melissa’s house many years ago. Hopeful. Accepted. Normal. And willing to open their home to all who drop in.

How to Manage Large Family Gatherings During the Holidays…and Stay Sane!

Does the thought of the family gathering for the holidays fill you with excitement and anticipation? Or anxiety & dread? If we are honest, probably a little of both. But if you are like me, then you want the anticipation of all the extra people to far outweigh the moments of anti-social anxious tendencies.

I have been an introvert most of my life. I say “most” because many of my introvert characteristics have really faded into the background over the last few years, and there’s more extrovert tendencies rattling around in my brain nowadays.  Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, then join ‘em, right? Ok, so maybe I won’t go that far. I still don’t fully identify as an extrovert, but I definitely think I’m heading towards being more balanced…using the strengths of both the introverts and extroverts.

After 17 years of hosting large family gatherings during the holidays, there’s a few tips this born wallflower has learned along the way.  Most of my tips were learned the hard way—through trial & error, so I’d love nothing more than to spare you some of those nerve-racking mistakes.

Believe it or not, there IS a way to enjoy the spike in chaos, still like your family after they leave, and stay sane during what can be the most wonderful time (or difficult time…..your choice) of the year!

Plan out the meal schedule in advance—the farther ahead you plan, the better. I save my menus from year to year on my computer, so that I can simply tweak them for the current year. If there is any way you can reduce your mental workload during the holidays, then do so! You only have so much mental real estate in your brain at any given time, so use it wisely by planning ahead where you can. (See pdf file below of what our Thanksgiving meal plan looks like).

Thanksgiving-2023-blog-postDownload

Create a “cleaning crew”. I know, this sounds a little TOO organized, but this is one of the best plans we implemented to keep me from being overwhelmed as the host. Lots of people means lots of food which means lots of dishes! You will hit a brick wall if you try to keep up with the workload all on your own. Remember the cute chore charts our moms made for us (or we make for our kids) that hung on the frig? It was so we knew what our responsibilities were and could do them without being told. Otherwise, it would all fall to mom, right? So hence my development of the teen/adult version of a chore chart. I assign each person to a crew (in our case, we have 4 crews), and then tell them what meal they are responsible for cleaning up. That not only gives me a bit of a break, but it also keeps me from having to feel like the Kitchen Drill Sergeant. The first meal we have together after everyone’s arrival is usually where we go over chore chart, crew assignments, and general info.  We keep it humorous and light-hearted.  Thomas (my husband) is usually in charge of this, and always makes it fun by coming up with names for everything. One of the kitchen crews is called the “Kitchen Kuties”, the other is called the “Pantry Pretties”, and the trash crew is called the “Helpful Hunters”.  We’ve found that everyone gets into the team mode, and we even have a little friendly competition going on for the team that does their job the best and fastest.  A lot like church youth camp! (See pdf file below of our clean up crews).

Thanksgiving-2023-Clean-Up-Crews-1Download

Communicate the plan to the family members planning to attend. The more communication you have on the front side, the less miscommunication you have during the event. Ask for input, such as whether they have a particular dish they like to make, or if they mind bringing paper goods. Including people in some of the minor decisions fosters teamwork, which in turns builds those relationships that we really want.

If any food item can be made in advance, do so.  For Thanksgiving, I always make a certain kind of raspberry/cranberry sauce that our whole family loves. This is easily made in advance and is just one more thing I can remove from my list. Make and freeze whatever you can.  If any cleaning can be done in advance, do that as well (such as dusting). But don’t do any cleaning that will have to be re-done, like bathrooms, changing sheets, cleaning the kitchen, etc. Make sure you stay tuned for an upcoming blog post on “Don’t Clean Your House Before Company Comes (or at least not THAT clean)”. I think you’ll find it will be encouraging to you!

Decide on sleeping arrangements (if you have overnight guests). Make this decision unilateral, which means—do what is best for the majority of the household. You will always have 1 or 2 guests that want special accommodations…like their own room, their own bathroom, etc. Make concessions where you can but do what is best for the most.  Another VERY important tip to remember, and one that might help you in the mental stability department more than others, is:  Keep your own bedroom. Do not give up your room for other family members, even if that means the others are sleeping on pallets in the living room. There’s nothing wrong with occasionally letting someone use your bathroom (especially if you have only one other bathroom and multiple guests) but be very careful about giving up your personal space.  When you are the host, having a place where you can enjoy a few minutes of quiet, get good rest, and take a shower when you want is vital to being able to handle the workload of houseguests.

Pray. This tip is one that will make all the difference in the world. When we have family/friends visiting our homes, we want them to feel welcome. We want to enjoy their company, and for them to enjoy ours. We don’t want to feel stressed by all the preparations, exhausted from all the cooking, and overwhelmed by a lot of social interaction. There’s an answer to this dilemma: Talk to God. Ask Him for extra strength, flexibility and patience. Find several things per day to be thankful for, especially when you feel like you are mentally complaining.

And finally–let go. Let go of expectations, the need to be in control, and trying to please everyone.  Let your “go-to” verse be 1 Thess 5:17, “Rejoice always. Pray continually. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” The battle is truly fought in the mind. When your attitude is in the right place, you’d be amazed at how much easier things become.

Rejoice always. Pray continually. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Enjoy the moments….all of them. Realize that you aren’t just making a meal, you are making memories. You aren’t just hosting people; you are cultivating traditions. You aren’t just socializing, you are encouraging and inspiring those around you. And realize God loves families, He loves His children hanging out with each other, and He loves us celebrating His goodness to us (Thanksgiving) and His Son’s birth (Christmas). Let that sink in and see if it doesn’t cause some of the stress/fatigue to just fade into the background!

There’s probably a few more tips I could add here, but I wanted this to be short enough for you to read quickly and be able to implement right away. If it is helpful, encouraging, and inspirational, let me know and we’ll put a Part 2 on the calendar to write! Being hospitable is not about having it all together,  it’s not about having a clean house, nor is it about making culinary delights.  It’s all about relationships….the one you have with Jesus, and the ones you have with your friends, family and sometimes complete strangers. Meals & holidays are great times to foster and encourage these!

Help! I Have Extra Dinner Guests Tonight! Encouragement for the Unexpected

Let’s be honest. Unexpected dinner guests can cause the most experienced mom a moment of panic…..maybe even several moments of sheer anxiety. Amazingly, there is a way to handle those inevitable situations with calm, confidence and a whole lot of grace. Keep reading and you’ll hear about times that I did NOT handle this well, along with what I found to work every time. So, grab a seat at my virtual dinner table, and let’s dive into the world of hospitality and unexpected dinner guests.

I came from a small family, and because we moved a lot, we didn’t have the opportunity to have a lot of dinner guests. My husband has a large family, so I started getting a lot of practice when we got married, which morphed into something a whole lot bigger. We will talk about that a bit later—don’t want to scare you off quite yet. What I do want you to understand is that I knew basically nothing about hosting, hospitality, guests, etc. I collapsed many times into a big puddle of anxiety (and tears). So that should bring encouragement to you no matter what experience (or lack thereof) you have at this point in your life!

Several years ago when I was a young mom, with 4 young children, and also taking care of my husband’s elderly parents, the whole “unexpected dinner guest” scenario reared its ugly head. In order for you to fully appreciate the panic-ridden story I’m going to relay, you must know that I am a planner.  I like to plan my work and work my plan.  I typically made out my grocery list and bought groceries to feed our family for a week.  If we were going to have company, I usually knew way in advance. To keep life from being too chaotic, I tried to schedule grocery trips, meal planning, etc on the same day of every week. During this season of my life, I went to the grocery store early Saturday morning, so my husband could watch the kids. We live out in the country, so a “quick” trip to the store might take several hours. This bit of info is important, as you will see shortly.

One Friday afternoon around 3pm, some childhood friends of my husband’s called to say they were on their way back from vacation and happened to be driving through Tulsa, OK. They wanted to stop by and see everyone and could be at our house in about an hour. And by the way, they had 6 children! Wait. What??!   Eight additional people arriving at my house in an hour. That will put them still here at suppertime. It’s Friday night, so the cupboards are bare.  Ahhh!  Someone just pushed my PANIC button, really hard!   

Would it be incredibly rude to just suggest that they go back into town and eat when it got close to supper? How about we just not eat supper that night? I mean, I could sneak the kids away to a back bedroom and feed them pb & j, right? How could anyone be so insensitive to drop by with a family of 8 around dinnertime? Do we break the bank and order take out? These were the thoughts running through my mind at this point. A little irrational, but true, nonetheless.

My husband’s mom, whom we helped take care of and lived right next door to us, was the first person I called. I did not even know these unexpected guests, but she did. She also was almost 80 yrs old, with gobs of hosting & hospitality experience under her belt.  And she always seemed so calm about it….even to the point that she seemed to enjoy whipping up a meal on the fly. (I never fully understood this until recently).  After my 30 second word vomit of how I didn’t have many groceries on hand, what was I going to do, and how could this be happening to me, she calmly said: “What DO you have on hand?” Remember this question for later, because it had far greater significance than just what we were going to have for dinner.

“Well, I have some rice. I think I might have a couple pounds of ground beef. Maybe some cheese.”

She said, “Perfect! I have some ground beef, too, and some beans.  I have about 20 corn tortillas.  Do you have any corn tortillas?”

“Um, yes, I think, but probably only about 20.”  (I’m still wondering at this point how she could be so optimistic and light-hearted about this impending colossal dinner-fail about to unfold.) 

She then said that we had all the stuff for chalupas and that would be a great meal to “whip” up.  I then tried to logically explain to my mother-in-law that 40 chalupas couldn’t possibly feed 16 people because typically a person will eat 2-3 chalupas each. Last I checked, 16 times 3 doesn’t equal 40. Her response floored me. She said, “Oh, don’t worry about that. We’ll just pray about it, and God will provide a loaves & fishes moment”. Surely she had dementia settling in. She was fine yesterday, but dementia can come on suddenly, right?

Despite my total lack of faith that the evening would end well, both of us started on supper. Using everything that we had on hand, and to my complete surprise, we fed everyone and had 5-6 chalupas left over.  Isn’t that exactly what the loaves and fishes story in the Bible conveys? God takes what you have in your hand (and are willing to use), and multiplies it to not only meet the need, but with leftovers to spare. This family of 8 had a wonderful time at our house, loved the food, and enjoyed the company. If I had not had my mother-in-law to encourage me to trust God even for the small details of my life (like making chalupas to feed an army), I would have missed out on a very important lesson that has impacted my life today, almost 16 yrs later. That lesson is this:

  • What is already in your hand?
  • What skills do you already possess?
  • What do you currently have in your pantry?

God usually takes what little we have and multiplies it. Instead of worrying about what we don’t have, we need to give God what we do have and let Him use it to bless others.

Remember when I said that marrying into a large family helped me have lots of practice in the hospitality department which then morphed into something bigger? Here’s what it morphed into: teenagers. Lots of them. And their friends. And their friends’ friends. And they eat a LOT. Those of you with teens know that they aren’t too good about giving their mom a heads up when they invite friends home for dinner. And if your son is a duck hunter, then you could have anywhere from 2-8 additional duck hunters for breakfast during duck season. Your daughter’s one friend coming over to hang out regularly turns into 3 or 4 coming over.

The reward for cheerfully feeding whoever shows up is worth it all….teens love to come over, and you get to be around your own teens more because your place is the “fun” house. Yes, many times “fun” for a teen is just being able to eat and hang out! This will be in a different blog post soon, but simply feeding teens with a smile and genuinely enjoying being around them will make your home a young adult magnet.

So here’s a quick checklist on what to do when unexpected dinner (or breakfast) guests show up. It hasn’t failed me yet, and I don’t think it will fail you, either.

  1. Pray. Ask God to give you ideas on what to prepare. Ask for creativity, and for food to miraculously go farther than normal.
  2. Look in your frig. Look in the pantry. See if something jumps out at you. Sometimes I have had the idea of “you can put this with that and will be able to feed even more”. I don’t think this is my own idea, I think it’s God directing me on what to do.
  3. The attitude you as the hostess have is what matters most, not the food you serve. It can be peanut butter & jelly, but served with a smile and great company, it becomes something memorable for your guest.
  4. Genuinely love to have people join you for meals, even if it is unplanned.  This is a process, so give yourself some grace if it takes a few years to get there!
  5. Keep your frig and pantry stocked with a few basics.  This can be hard, I know, especially before a big grocery run. Here are some things I try to always have on hand: rice, frozen pizza, salsa & chips, box of brownies, some type of meat in the freezer, tortillas, bags of frozen veggies, potatoes, pasta, frozen breakfast sausage, eggs, frozen biscuits, bread, and of course–the staples of flour, sugar & oil.
  6. Have a couple of tried and true recipes (or a favorite cookbook) that you can default to in a pinch. My top go-to recipes are: taco soup, ham & cheese sliders, chicken noodle soup, tacos, chalupas, Hawaiian grilled chicken sandwiches & potato salad, pancakes, breakfast sandwiches, breakfast tacos, Alan’s chili, stir fry over rice, & quesadilla casserole. This is by no means exhaustive, it’s just a few that I can make quickly, they are family favorites and I don’t need a recipe to make them because I’ve done it so much.
  7. Remember that God will help you because He has commanded we show hospitality to others. And we know that He gives us the ability and strength to follow anything He commands. (1 Pet 4:8-9; Rom 12:13; Matt 25:40; 1 Tim 5:10) And His commands bring us the most joy and satisfaction because they really are for our own good.

So, the next time you have the unplanned dinner guest show up (or many unplanned guests!), take a deep breath. Resolve to be grateful that they want to come spend time with you. Take the Lord at His word that He will help you. Remember that it’s not about having everything all together and being matchy-matchy on what you are serving. Some of my biggest compliments were when I put one style of food (Mexican) with another style of food (Italian), and my guests thought I was just giving them lots of choices! Little did they know that it was just because that is what I had on hand…..but that is our little secret….

Stay tuned for more “Hospitality Hotspot” topics! And if this article was helpful to you, please comment below!

Never Say Never, Because You Never Know What God has Planned

A phrase we hear all the time…..and if you live long enough, you’ll discover it’s true.  It’s one of those such instances I want to share with you here. Even though this story uses an art example, it is less about art and more about knowing God. And maybe about using the word “never” a lot less!

When I was 16 yrs. old, I entered an oil painting in an art show here in Muskogee. I won 1st in my division and was thrilled, since this was the first art show I had participated in. As I was admiring all the other work, I came across what won “Best of Show”. This means that this particular artwork was deemed by the judges to be the best of all divisions & categories.  It was a colored pencil drawing of a grandpa sitting in a rocking chair…the most realistic drawing I had ever seen! I wanted so badly to try colored pencil myself, because I love the photo-realistic style.  I went home, grabbed some regular drawing paper (because I didn’t know at that time that there was any other kind of paper), and some colored pencils. I’m pretty sure they were the Crayola student brand that you can get at Walmart. 

My first efforts at colored pencil were awful. My drawings looked like any 3 yr. old could have done them! I completely gave it up & reasoned that I just wasn’t cut out to do colored pencil. It was a “talent” I didn’t have, and so I decided to just stick to regular pencil drawing and painting.

At 19 yrs old, I again decided to branch out and try portraits. I had been doing landscapes, horses & animals, and thought painting an actual human would be fun. It did not turn out well.  I couldn’t get the expression right, and again reasoned that I just wasn’t cut out to be a portrait artist. You can probably see where this is all going by now, but hang in there, because I don’t want you to miss the main point of this story….which isn’t art.

Fast forward about 30 yrs.  Yes, I said 30. I spent 20 of those years raising and homeschooling children, so drawing & painting were only a rare pastime.  In 2020, I started teaching art lessons again, and one of my students was incredible at colored pencil.  That old familiar feeling of “I sure want to try that. I love how it looks!” came to me again. Then that fall I went to a ladies retreat where I met an art instructor & guess what she taught? Colored pencil. She told me 2 things that changed everything for me on my artist journey: You have to use the correct kind of paper. Regular paper won’t work and you won’t be happy with the results. You also have to use the right kind of colored pencil…they have to be professional grade or you will be disappointed with the results.

Bingo! I had been doing everything wrong without even realizing it.

The right kind of paper with the right kind of pencil produced the results I had been desperately longing for.  Below was my first attempt at colored pencil 3 yrs. ago.

I did more colored pencil drawings of animals, flowers, etc, gaining more control and knowledge as I went along.  I had said to myself, “I’ll NEVER try colored pencil again”, yet here I was.  Interesting.

Another “NEVER” I had told myself was drawing or painting human portraits. After that failed attempt at 19 yrs. old, I said I can’t do portraits, so I’ll never try again.  God has an amazing sense of humor, do you know that?  I had this crazy thought come to me of trying to do a portrait again, and wonder of wonders, to actually try it in colored pencil. I must have lost my mind, right? But God’s ways are higher than our ways, and His plans for us are much better than our plans for us. 

So I started thinking. As Christians, we all desperately want to know God, right?  We want to pray effectively, we want to grow in our walk with God, we want to be more patient, more forgiving, more loving, more “fill in the blank”. But if we aren’t using the right tools, we will give up quickly and assume that we just aren’t “cut out for it”.  I did that with colored pencil, remember? So what are our tools to know God more? The tools that really work and produce results? They are far more simple than you think. The Bible is the one of the greatest tools you have. By reading it, you learn what God is like, which makes you want to know more. And the more you read, the more you understand how to be more patient, loving, forgiving, etc.

 

Another vital tool is prayer.  If you want to know God, then talk to Him.  Ask Him His opinion on stuff. Tell Him what’s on your mind. Express your fears, your dreams, all of it. Learn how to listen for what He says. He’s the expert on everything!

And lastly, never say never. NEVER. God can do anything. He can give you the ability to do anything He wants you to do. Be willing to try & watch as He works in your life.  He does a far better job at managing our lives than we do! 

Below is a pic of one of my “nevers“. I would never try colored pencil, and I would never do another portrait. But God had other ideas……

A Near-Death Experience? Maybe, but the Views are Great

Not the near-death type of experience where you are sick in the hospital, and see a white light and angels. No, this is the near-death type of experience where you find yourself on a small ledge on the side of a mountain and you are totally convinced that you will be plunging 200 feet to your death at any moment.

Many years ago, when I was in my twenties, while hiking with my husband and a good friend in the Red Rock canyons of Sedona, Arizona, we decided to hike up the side of a mountain to view some old Indian ruins. It wasn’t that high up and was pretty interesting to see.  But then, our guide and good friend, Brad, said that “just a little farther up”, there were even more and better Indian ruins to see.  He explained that because they were higher up on the mountain, not too many people visit them, but he assured us that it was worth the extra hike. (I was inspired to paint the above painting based on this story.)

I am not fond of heights, so I should have put 2 and 2 together that “higher up” and “not too many people visit them” equals scary. We started on the path up there, which was about 24″ wide….the straight cliffs on one side going up, and straight cliffs on the other side going down.  And I mean DOWN.  At first it was just 30′ down (possibly survivable), but the drop off quickly turned to 75′ (likely, not survivable) and then to 200′ (I’m heaven bound).  This was not fun anymore, and no ancient Indian ruins were worth the whole “plunging to my death” thing.  And it was about to get a whole lot worse!

Brad (our guide, who was about to become my former friend), said that we had to leave the trail we were on and “climb” to a higher trail that was above us, because that was the only way to get to these amazing Indian ruins. I was pretty confident the thin mountain air was getting to him.  For some reason, even Thomas (my husband) was thinking it was a great idea, so obviously the mountain air had addled his brain as well.  

Brad said that the upper trail was directly above us and we needed to “scramble up” a boulder that was about 8′ tall and was perched on the side of the cliff.  Pretty sure you’re supposed to have a harness and mountain climbing equipment to do stuff like that.  I informed them (in case they didn’t already know) that I was not a mountain climber and that if the whole scrambling up the boulder thing didn’t go as planned, there was a very distinct possibility that I could slide right off the slick face of that boulder and plunge to a wretched death.  So Thomas & Brad came up with the brilliant idea that Brad would scramble up the rock face first and Thomas would then push me from behind (we were married, so that was ok and yes it was as graphic and humorous as you might think), and Brad would simply grab my hand and pull me up.  Hmmm!  Why was I skeptical?

We made it to the top of the boulder and then I was informed we had to crawl through this hole in the rock (now well over 200′ up).  Funny how they didn’t tell me this BEFORE I climbed up the boulder. We finally made it to the Indian ruins and yes they were amazing, but I still wasn’t convinced they were worth the sheer terror of getting there.

Then it was time to go back, and this is where I was sure beyond all doubt that my short life of 24 years was about to end.  Remember the 8′ boulder we had to climb up?  Well, what goes up must come down, and the way down went against all sense of self-preservation. Brad announced that to get back down, we had to hug the boulder, slide down, and then just stop when we hit the 24″ wide trail we had come up on.  May I remind you that the trail was 24 inches wide, and it was a 200′ drop off from there?  And we are just going to hug the side of the rock, slide down, and hope we stop on the ledge? Were they out of their ever-lovin’ minds?!!

There was no other way down. Thomas came up with a great plan–he would slide down first, then Brad would lower me down as far as he could by my arms. I would then slide, and Thomas would catch me before I fell off the cliff. I remember thinking to myself, “Ok, Lord, here I come. Didn’t think this was the way I was going to leave Earth, and I was hoping to live a bit longer. Glad I know I’m going to heaven, even if it’s quicker than planned due to my own stupidity.”

Well, Thomas caught me, as he always has throughout our now 25 years of marriage. We came down off the mountain safely, and I’m still alive and kicking 24 years later.  But that experience reminds me of a favorite Bible verse: 

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. For I hold you by your right hand–I the Lord you God. And I say to you, ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.'” (Isaiah 41: 10 & 13).  

He does the holding and helping. We aren’t strong enough in our own strength to even keep hold of Him.  He does that. All we do is the reaching. We hold our hand up to Him, and He takes it from there. The paths He leads us on are sometimes scary and make no sense, but the views are great. We will have great stories to tell.  And we learn to trust Him more

5 Reasons NOT to Homeschool

Did this title catch you off guard? If you are considering homeschooling, then you are probably looking for reasons why you should homeschool. So why would I give you reasons why you shouldn’t? Well, after 18 years of homeschooling my own children, I have come to the realization that this education option isn’t for everyone. So, if you are a bit curious about this statement made by a long-time homeschooling mom of 4, keep reading!

#1 Reason:

Your spouse is not on board. Yep, my number one reason to tell if homeschooling isn’t for you is if your spouse doesn’t care for the idea. Successful homeschooling requires BOTH parents to be all in. It requires BOTH parents to believe that this is the best education option for their children. It requires believing that this is the direction to which God is calling them.

We are going to be real and raw here. Homeschooling is hard. The weight of your child’s academic, social, and spiritual development is on your shoulders.  There’s no one to blame for problems, issues, or mistakes except yourself.  There are no teachers, principals, administrators, or other parents.  Its all you.   Homeschooling comes with amazing rewards but sometimes overwhelming challenges. That’s why this homeschooling journey is best faced together….both parents….all in.

This does not mean that a single parent cannot homeschool—they absolutely can. The challenges will look different but they can still be overcome. You will need to have a financial, physical, and emotional support system in place to fill in the areas that typically a spouse would fill.

Another reason why you need your spouse’s approval is because when challenges come (and they will), your spouse can support you through the difficulties rather than sit on the sidelines wondering why YOU chose homeschooling.  When you choose a course of action, especially one as important as the education of your children, you better have the full support of your spouse.  The “go it alone” approach doesn’t work any better with your children’s education than it does with decisions regarding money and spending.  It’s a disagreement waiting to happen. 

#2 Reason:

Everyone else is doing it. Okay, let’s face it. This isn’t a good reason to do anything, but it’s especially not a good reason for homeschooling. When the going gets tough, “everyone else doing it” isn’t enough to keep you going.  What keeps you going when you’ve done Algebra 1 for the 5th time is that you are convinced this is the best education option for your children and that God has called you to this journey. When your child is in 2nd grade and still not reading well, “everyone else is doing it” will not keep you persevering. When you are trying to homeschool a kindergartener, a preschooler and you have a newborn in your arms….”everyone else is doing it” simply won’t give you the motivation to keep going.

#3 Reason:

You think this will keep your children from all worldly influences. Will homeschooling keep your precious angels from a lot of bad influences? Yes.  Will it keep your child from all of them? No. Proverbs tells us that sin is bound up in the heart of a child. I know this may be hard for some mothers to hear, but even in a completely controlled environment, your little “angel” will still find ways to be selfish, greedy, lie, cheat, etc…. That is their sin nature.  They got it from you and it can only be dealt with by faith in Jesus Christ.

You are setting yourself up for failure if you think that homeschooling will keep them from ever hearing profanity. From not being self-centered. From being left out of a friend group. From being teased or bullied. From being misjudged or falsely accused of something.  The list goes on and on.

Something that has helped us as parents tremendously is the verse “Be in the world and not of it.” (John 17:14-15) Our children will ultimately have to live, work and attend college in the world. Isn’t that what we as parents do right now? So instead of keeping them from the world until they are 18, then all of a sudden releasing them into it, wouldn’t it make more sense to gradually expose them to it in increments that they have the maturity to handle and understand?

I think every parent, regardless of the education option they choose, wants their children to enter adulthood with a balance of knowing about the evil in the world, yet choosing not to participate in it. They want them to recognize temptation in its many forms and turn away from it. They want them to know the truth so well, they spot a lie immediately.  But this can’t be taught if they are kept at home, isolated from all potential worldly influences. They will be woefully unprepared to deal with life in this broken world.

Things that Thomas and I did to try to accomplish this goal of having wise, independent, mature adult children who could evaluate what “everyone else was doing” against what they knew to be right was to expose them to various situations under controlled conditions. I will by no means say this is the only way, nor that it is the right way for you, but it worked very well for us.  I will be transparent about the things that worked and the things that didn’t work. Then you can make up your own mind on parenting your children.

  • Church Children’s Program-we deliberately chose a large church to give our kids more opportunities to be around lots of different kids. Since we homeschooled, we knew that we had to provide plenty of outlets for them to be around their peers. There are certain things that can only be learned by trial and error in social relationships.

  • Church Youth Group-same thing went into our decision to have our kids very active in Youth Group. Again, we chose the largest church in town (once we made sure they were solid biblically) to give our kids lots of relational opportunities. And boy, have we ever had lots of those opportunities!
  • Teens need to have friends their age to hang out with not only for the friendship aspect of it, but also for the social and relational experiences it gives them. It’s where our children have experienced conflict and how to handle it; what to do when you are teased; how to make others feel included; having opposite sex friendships; cliques; following rules even if you don’t agree; what to do about gossip & slander; the list goes on and on….

  • The youth group has been primarily where our kids have found their closest friends. It’s been worth all the other drama that sometimes occurs. And most of their friends are public-schooled. A common mistake homeschooling parents make is to insist or highly encourage only homeschooled friends. I’ll write more on that in another blog post!

  • Cell phone-we gave our kids these around 13, and that was more for our convenience than theirs. Did we want to? Not really. But the long-term goal was to have them use and control a phone well, not have the phone control them.  This can only be taught by giving them a phone, clearly defining the rules, and having consequences when (not if) the rules are broken.  Expect them to be broken…. they are learning. Better to have these conversations and teach responsible phone use while they are in your home rather than have them learn the hard way when they are on their own.  Thomas has had to fire grown adults who were unproductive and careless in their work because they could not stay off their phones.
  • Social media—we started off with Pinterest around 14, and added Instagram around 15. Snapchat came somewhere around 16, and TikTok by 17. I would love to just ban social media use until they are 30, when they are secure in their faith and their identity. But that is not reality. So therefore, we use the time from about 14-17 yrs old to teach them about social media—the benefits and the pitfalls. Yes, there will be infractions—expect them. But use each one as a teaching tool to influence them to make a better decision next time.

  • Homeschool Co–Ops—we joined our local co op when my oldest was 8, and my youngest was 2. Again, it had its drawbacks (hard to get 4 children there on time, they didn’t offer a lot of academic help in the elementary years, moms have to work in it), but the pros far outweighed the cons. It gave my children another type of friend group to learn peer-to-peer social skills, to have relational experiences in an educational setting.  Even though it didn’t really give me a break from homeschooling our kids, it did give me an opportunity to interact with and talk to other homeschool moms. 

#4 Reason:

You think this will ensure that your children become believers. This is a tough one. When we reduce worldly influences, incorporate bible study into our school program, and model Christian behavior all day long, every day, you would think this is a no-brainer, right? Wrong. You can GREATLY impact their decision to make Jesus Christ their Lord and Savior, but that decision ultimately rests with them, personally.  You can teach a Christian worldview and model Christian behavior, which will certainly facilitate their decision to follow Christ, but ultimately it is THEIR decision.  If you go into homeschooling thinking the inevitable result will be children fully devoted to following Jesus, you may be disappointed.  Never stop encouraging them towards faith in Christ, but realize that for it to be genuine, it has to be their choice. 

#5 Reason:

You think that homeschooling will make your child better than everyone else.  First of all, try to recognize the prideful nature of the previous statement.  All parents want their children to excel, but since we as homeschool parents spend SO much of our time and energy personally teaching these gifts from God, we have a tendency to derive some of our own self-worth from the successes (or failures) of our children. Because of our intense investment, we think surely, they will be smarter, faster, and more spiritual than anyone else’s kids.  Be careful!  Their successes can make you prideful and their failures can torment you.  Transparency moment here that I promised you: I felt all the above when I started homeschooling, and for a few years into it.  While some of those feelings are common to all parents, homeschooling parents especially fall into the trap of feeling that their worth rests on the progress of their children.  Run from this! How I wish I had run sooner.

Your child is a unique individual that God has specifically given to you and your spouse to raise. You are the best person for the job. If you choose to homeschool, then realize that you will have to give your child and yourself a WHOLE lot of grace. School them according to their abilities, desires, dreams, talents & goals. Teach them to not compare themselves to others, but to be confident in how God made them. Realize that your child is no different than any other child….they simply have a different type of education. Telling them that they are smarter, more athletic, or worse yet, “more spiritual” than everyone else will make your homeschool angel intolerably prideful and will negatively affect their peer relationships. Do what Jesus said to do, “thinking of others as better than yourselves.” (Phil 2:3) Humility builds bridges in all sorts of places, pride tears them down.

So there you have it! 5 Reasons not to Homeschool. After you have read these, and still feel that God is calling you to this incredible, challenging, unique journey, then welcome. As I am in my last 2 years of teaching my children at home, I can definitely say it was all worth it.  Yes, I made mistakes in many areas, but because it was a calling from God, He more than covered those mistakes with grace. I also learned FAR more from this experience than my children did. I have no regrets about choosing this education option, and would do it over in a second….only hopefully with not as many mistakes!

I’ll be sharing a lot more homeschooling tips, adventures and stories, along with living in the country and parenting 4 amazing kids. So connect with us on our blog and don’t forget to sign up for the latest articles from our neck of the woods!

How to Have A Quiet Time When You Are a Busy Mom

“I can barely find time to eat or use the bathroom, and I’m supposed to incorporate a “quiet time” into my day?  As a follower of Christ, I know I should do this, but the demands of raising children full-time makes me think this is only for the super-moms. At least the Christian super-moms anyway.”

These were the types of thoughts I had as mother when I heard about having a quiet time.  Whether it was a sermon, a podcast, a friend……whatever the source, it brought up all sorts of guilt over not being successful in this area for most of my younger mom years.

In the chaotic world of motherhood, where days blur together, and your to-do list feels like an unending scroll, finding a moment of peace can sometimes seem as elusive as a baby that sleeps all night. Yet, amidst the chaos of parenting, there’s a spiritual discipline called “quiet time” – not the quiet where you hide in the bathroom for five minutes but actual, intentional moments for prayer, listening to God, and maybe even reading a few verses of the Bible (if the toddler didn’t use it as a coloring book).

Why are quiet times so elusive and difficult to fit in with our busy mom lives? And even though we know we SHOULD want to have that time with God, we don’t always WANT to. How do we get to the place where we not only look forward to our time with Him, but really miss it when we don’t have it?

Well, grab your coffee or tea (while it’s still hot), and let’s talk about incorporating a quiet time amidst the chaos of mom life…

What is a “Quiet Time”?

Not everyone knows what this actually means.  If you were born in the church nursery, you might have a pretty good idea.  But if you are a newer Christian, you might wonder what this phrase means. Quiet time simply refers to spending time with God; to pray, worship, journal, read the Bible, and meditate. It may include all those things on any given day, or only one of those things….depending on how many children you have and the season of life you are in!

How Do I Start?

Pray. You are probably thinking to yourself, “I hear that one all the time. Isn’t that what quiet time is supposed to be focused on?” That’s not the kind of prayer I’m talking about. If you really want to have a consistent quiet time with the Lord that you look forward to, and are disappointed if you miss, then you need to do this type of prayer first:

Ask God to give you the desire to WANT to spend time with Him.

Our flesh, this world, and the devil do NOT want us talking to our Father. We need His supernatural help to want to do this. And don’t just pray this prayer once. Pray it over and over until one day you realize that your feelings have finally followed what your mind decided to do.

This is a prayer that WILL be answered because we know it is in His will.  How do we know this?  Psalms 27:8 says, “My heart has heard You say, ‘Come and talk with Me.’ And my heart responds, ‘Lord, I am coming’.” And 1 Thessalonians 5:17 states “Never stop praying.” Even Jesus Himself regularly got away to spend time with the Father.

Decide when. Morning, afternoon, evening….which is best? The timing may change according to your season of life. There’s no “best” time, but since I’m a morning person by nature, that’s when I try to have my quiet times. And I find it helpful to start the day off with the right mental attitude that invariably comes when talking with God.

When I had infants, it typically happened at the 5:30am feeding. When I had toddlers & elementary age children, it might be 20 minutes before they woke up. When I moved into the teen years, I could have it anytime before 9am and still have relative peace & quiet!

The key is to aim for consistency but be flexible. You know where I’m going with this. The days don’t always go as planned…babies wake up early, kids get sick, etc. How does that phrase go, “The best laid plans of mice & men”? Well, we will be talking more about that aspect in a minute.

Decide where. Sure, you can pray to God and read your bible anytime, anywhere.  But having a designated “spot” that you meet with Him can help you stay consistent. Have a comfy chair, some pens/highlighters, a place for your coffee/tea, your journal, your bible, and any other fav devotional books all in this area.

I have always had my quiet time area in our living room, in one of my favorite chairs. Because I typically have it first thing in the morning, the house is quiet and I am more or less undisturbed. 

Notice how I use words like “usually”, “typically”, “more or less”? That’s because when you have children (even teens & young adults), nothing is ever “always”. Life happens, circumstances change, and the unexpected seems to come regularly at our house! Remember the key I mentioned above….consistent but flexible. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t always happen when or how you expect it. Just keep trying.

What Do I Do During My Quiet Time?

Again, there’s no magic formula here.  Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you during this time. Sometimes, you may read your Bible and pray. Other times, you may just listen to worship music and think about how good God is. Think about when you get together with a good friend for a visit. Do you plan the conversation like this: “We are going to spend 5 minutes talking about her kids, then 10 minutes talking about mine. Then we are going to thank each other for going out to dinner the other night. Then 30 more minutes talking about our problems…” 

Sounds ridiculous, right?  We’d never have that kind of conversation with a friend! We just start talking and go where the conversation leads, even though it may lead to talking about kids, dinner ,etc. It is no different in your relationship with God. 

While there are good parameters (Bible reading, prayer, thanksgiving, intercession) to keep in mind when you are in the beginning stages of having a consistent quiet time, try to avoid it becoming one more “to-do” on your checklist.  That won’t get you anywhere except into the guilty mom mode when you happen to skip a day or two. God wants your heart, not your checked off list.

Here are some examples of how I spend my quiet times:

–I always get my coffee first.  God knows how much I love coffee, and if He were present physically with me, I know He’d be drinking a cup, too!

-I’ll usually read a Bible verse or short passage. This might be from YouVersion, or from a current devo. I’ll ask God if there’s anything He wants me to pay particular attention to.  Sometimes, I’ll just open the Bible and see where I land.

–I will start talking to Him about what’s on my mind, what I’m concerned about, a problem that’s unsolved, etc. (Phil 4:6) Over 95% of the time, I’m praying about my husband and children, and whatever is concerning them. This is one of our greatest callings in life, dear mother—the privilege of bringing the things we treasure most to the throne of God.

Who loves them like we do?  Who hurts when they hurt?  Who is happy when they are happy and sad when they are sad?  And who can possibly pray for them like we can? Never underestimate what can happen in your children’s lives when you spend significant amounts of time praying for them.

–I’ll ask God if there’s anything He wants to say to me.  This is the hard part—being still. But so worth it.  God usually speaks in the quiet, not in the clamor and noise. Sometimes it’s a word or phrase, sometimes a bible passage comes to mind, or sometimes it’s just a feeling of being heard.

–I’ll declare a “thanksgiving” only quiet time, and just spend it thanking God for all the blessings He’s given me. No requests, just thankfulness for answered prayers, guidance, wisdom, meeting my needs, etc.

–Sometimes, God and I talk about dreams. Things I’d like to see happen in my life, in my husband’s life, in our children’s lives. I also ask Him what His dreams are for me.

–I imagine God sitting in the chair next to me.  He is Spirit, and we worship in spirit and in truth (John 4:24).  But I live in a physical body, and sometimes, I just want to see Him sitting there, so I imagine it that way. He created our amazing imaginations, so what better way to use it than imagining Him right beside me?

–Studying a particular verse or passage in-depth is another way I spend my quiet time. Looking up cross references, commentaries, or what words mean in the original Hebrew or Greek helps me to understand context better.

Staying Consistent AND Flexible

This part requires a lot of grace and an understanding of where you are now, and where you might be in a few years.  Growth is slow, so be patient with yourself. Why are we so patient with our kids (okay, wishful thinking again), yet so impatient with ourselves?  If I could go back in time and talk to the younger me, here’s what I would tell myself:

Start small, have low expectations. If you currently only have a regular quiet time once a week, then maybe set a goal of twice a week.  If you spend 5 minutes now, then maybe aim for 10 minutes. If you get off track, just get back on when you realize this. If your kids all came down with the flu at once, and you skipped a couple weeks, get back on track when they are well.

Children are not interruptions. I know it feels this way many times throughout the day. But when you choose to stay home with them full time (and especially if you homeschool) they are your primary job and focus. Think about it this way….if you are in the middle of praying, and a toddler wakes up a little earlier than normal, do you think God wants you to keep praying and be frustrated at the interruption to your prayer time? Or do you think He understands how needy young children are and wants you to go and tend to the need?

God is especially compassionate towards mothers. “He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.” (Isa. 40:11) He knows how tired you can be. He knows that you are on call 24/7 for years. Yep, literally years. If you weren’t a little depressed before, you are now, right? On a bright note, though, your “on call” schedule looks a lot different with teens than with toddlers. You do have longer stretches of sanity, and it’s easier to keep teens alive than it is toddlers. Well, maybe not when you have a trampoline. I had to work pretty hard then, as you can see below:

You can try again tomorrow. Don’t beat yourself up if you miss a day. Or two. Possibly three. God knows your heart and your desire to spend time with Him. Pray when and where you can (in the car, changing diapers, nursing, cooking) and try again tomorrow.

Sometimes you just need to take a nap. Yep, you heard me right. When your body is screaming for rest, then listen. Better to take a 20 minute power nap and be able to stay awake and converse with God, than to struggle to pray while continuing to fall asleep.  And sometimes your whole family will thank you because you are in a much better mood!

Twice as much gets done, in half the time, if you let the Holy Spirit be in charge of your day. I could write a whole other blog post on this topic…and probably will. For now, trust me that this is true.

God’s plan for my day is far more important than my plan for my day. He knows what my husband needs, what my children need, and what I need.  Plus, He can see into the future. We will have far better days when we ask Him what we should be doing instead of deciding this all on our own.

People are what matter most. The housework, the chores, the to-do lists, the activities, etc. are not what is most important. People are the only thing we can take to heaven with us, so they should always be our top priority.

The Reason Behind It All

The point to having a quiet time is not just to have a better mental attitude (although you will). It’s not to have a more peaceful day (these will come along more frequently, too). It’s not only to grow in your faith, be a better mom, or have more wisdom in daily situations (although that will happen, too).

The primary reason to make spending time with God a priority is this: To know Him. The more you know Him, the more you love Him. The more you love Him, the more you trust Him. And the more you trust Him, the more you point others to Him….with the prime benefactors being your children.

I’ll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite devotional books, “Streams In the Desert”. It says, “There is no doubt that it is by praying that we learn to pray, and that the more we pray, the better our prayers will be.” -Charles H. Spurgeon

So start wherever you are, momma.  Give God the first and best part of yourself, no matter how small that may be. He wants to talk with you far more than you want to talk to Him.  One day, you’ll wake up like I did and realize that you really do know Him, you really love Him, and you can’t wait to have your daily quiet time with Him.